”The goal of grace is not just about getting healed; it’s about being liberated to fulfill God’s purpose.” 

I go back to a year and a half ago, and I think about healing. My heart had grown hard with apathetic wanderings, and it eventually broke. But I was healed. I was filled with Light again, you know? 

But it’s been a long time since I’ve felt free. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt liberation. 

“Pain requires that we ask hard questions. Faith allows us to listen. Grace enables us to fulfill.”

So I ask and I listen and I refuse fulfillment. Spite grows strong. And… Sometimes, I just sit and wonder if others go through this. Honestly. I have no doubts that people do. But where are they?! Where are those who struggle so greatly with their own nature? Where are those who can be real to several and not lose parts of their hearts? Where are those who have grown strong, only to fall, only to grow strong again, only to fall again (a fall that reaped consequences and pain and skeptical looks and judgement)? Where are the lost? Are they just “hypocritical” in their faith? Are they labeled as emotional, wishy-washy believers? Is that being an emotional stumbling block? Part of not judging others is being able to take honesty and truth and love it regardless. Part of not judging myself is staring at my scars and forgiving myself. Right? Letting go of histrionics. Letting go of pretending to know anything, of being able to actually express my thoughts. Reality. And I ask. How many times are people honest with their own struggles to others? Maybe tons? Maybe never? Why do I hide my face and my heart so consistently? And when I show it, I show only parts, I show spite and a complete lack of love. I show vulnerability in a tainted form. Not purely. And is this being human? Are these complex emotional responses part of humanity? 

“Our faith journey is about loving others or preparing us to love others… it is about focusing on maturing rather than on not sinning.”

“But seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the Lord on its behalf, for in its welfare you will find your welfare.” Jeremiah 29:7

One of my favorite verses. God told them to seek the welfare of the city where they were exiled. Exiled. And He wanted them to help it find joy and happiness. To thrive. To find success. When they were taken there against their will. I bet they felt lost. I bet they were angry. And He said to pray. I have more eloquent thoughts on this verse, but. The primary thought of the moment is. What humble and selfless warriors. I think about them as tainted as well. As scarred and broken. And it makes me smile. Because they were still told to pray. Pray and pray and pray and pray for welfare. 

I am a lost sheep, I am a broken doll, I feel hate/loathing at times. I am loved. By One. And the Goodness of Him tears up and burns my heart. But maybe it’s time I got a new heart anyways.